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“Talk dirty to me,”
he said on our one year anniversary…
We were in bed, making love. I felt a rush of panic in my chest.
Fear.
“Tell me how you feel…,” he grunted again.
And I felt my mouth go dry. My heart racing as I panicked and my mind went totally blank.
What did he want me to say?
What did he want me to do?
Finally, awkwardly I opened my mouth and whispered
“Your penis feels really good”…
Silence.
Like a tumbleweed rolling across a street in the Old West.
He didn’t ask again. He closed his eyes like he was concentrating.
And I wondered what he was thinking of. I wondered where he went.
But the worst part happened later that night…
It was a little after 2 in the morning when I woke up and found the bed empty.
I pulled on my robe and padded out to the living room…
thinking he’d gone to get a drink of water or something.
And then I heard a sound that sent a chill through my whole body…
A female voice. Moaning.
My palms sweaty, I crept around the corner and saw him…
The man I loved, Kevin…
Sitting at the computer naked… Touching himself.
We’d just made love a few hours before but here he was masturbating and watching PORN…
I’ve always wondered why guys do that…
Why would you need to watch porn when you’ve got a real wom hian right there?
On the screen was a girl… not much prettier than me…
Touching herself and moaning and saying the dirtiest, naughtiest, things…
Things a “good girl” like me would never think of…
Things I thought I could never make myself say…
Even though I felt devastated and betrayed
I just couldn’t look away… And then I looked at Kevin’s face and saw…
A smile like I’d never seen before.
In a year together I’d never seen him look so happy and masculine and satisfied
I know I don’t have to tell you how worthless and ugly I felt…
How I felt like I could never measure up to his fantasies I never even really knew he had…
And I thought of the times we’d tried to “experiment” and I’d wanted him to try new things and he just grumbled like a sad puppy.
I acted like I was asleep when he came back to bed.
Like I’d been asleep the whole time, burying my face in the pillow so he wouldn’t see the tears.
He spooned me and I shuddered and had to bite my tongue so I didn’t tighten up.
And I lay there for hours thinking and making a decision. I thought of how I looked in the mirror
I’d never be a supermodel. I’d never be 22 again (thank God.) I’d never be a pornstar and never wanted to be. And lying there, feeling his breath on my neck
